Recently, Kim at The Yummy Mummy asked us Charcutapalooza peeps to get deep and make our blogs our memoirs... to tell our ever growing blog community why we have embarked on this challenge and what we are learning.
I debated with myself for a long time about writing this post. Most of the time I bill myself as an extremely open person. In fact I often have a penchant for discussing things that most people would find inappropriate. However, I don't usually care to talk about my problems or things that are going on in my life that worry, scare, or intimidate me. Those topics, I tend only to discuss with a very VERY select few. Mostly people who would love me or have to love me no matter what. That said, despite the effortlessly witty blog title that sprung to my mind for this post, I was and still am apprehensive about talking about this on my blog. But I'm going to take our "To the Meat!!.." saying to heart, and make this post about what is really at the center of Charcutapalooza for me.
Not too long ago Big D and I adventured into baby making land.... Blindly, with the notion that in moments we would be blessed with a little Fraley to call our own. But as many of you know getting pregnant sometimes takes a little (or a LOT) longer than you could have expected. True to form, I immediately threw myself into every activity, job, craft, cure, etc in a desperate attempt to keep my mind off this process. A process which is supposed to be fun but at a certain point invariable becomes something stressful instead of joyful.
I didn't want to talk about this for a number of reasons. Um fear.. yeah, that's a big one. Fear about something being wrong with me, that is probably the #1 fear. Which is totally unfounded at this point. But every month that ticks by closer to that one year "Hey You're Infertile :)" mark... the anxiety starts to rise. Fear about other people judging or feeling bad for me, or giving the old "just stop trying advice." Ughghhh, I hate that and at this point if I try any less we will just stop having sex all together. I seriously almost cried when a former client of mine referenced our baby making as "Our little problem." Another fear, and I know it's a stupid one, but I'm sure some of you out there would understand.. is that Big D and I have been blessed, I mean amazingly blessed with material abundance beyond our wildest dreams. My worst fear is that there is some sort of cap on happiness. That of all the things I have been most fortunate to receive in this life I will have to be denied at least one thing. And this is the last thing people... the one little bundle between me and my dream life. It's a big fear.. A gnawing never ending fear in my heart that no amount of prosciutto is going to fix despite my best efforts.
So Charcutapalooza is an escape for me. Something constructive to do with my hands, where I can see results and feel good about a project that is entirely unrelated to baby making at all. In fact it revels in not being pregnant, as cured meats become a "no-no." 
I don't know what I expect from writing this. I thought maybe it would help just to get it out of my head. And this pancetta is undoubtedly the most beautiful kitchen creation I have ever mustered. But despite it's beauty the more you try not to think about something the more it pops up... so here is my recipe...
Chicken Impregnated with Pancetta
or
Chicken Saltimbocca with home cured Pancetta
Needed:
Two chicken breasts cut in half the long way. ( I press my palm into the top of the breast and cut evenly down the center with a sharp knife. Risky business, so be careful, but it comes out really even that way.)
2 cups shredded stinky cheese (I used a 60 day aged Jack cheese from Gaia's breath farms. But in the past I have used Asiago cheese. Anything stinky and melty will work)
4 large sage leaves
8 thin cut Pancetta slices
1/2 Cup white Wine
1/2 lemon
1/2 cup chicken stock
1 cup flour seasoned with Salt, Garlic Powder, Pepper and Chili powder.
4 toothpicks
Preheat oven to 350 deg:
After slicing the breast in half pound them out until they are very thin. ( I do this between pieces of plastic wrap until the chicken is slightly translucent). Set them aside so they can get to room temp. In a frying pan over med heat cook the pancetta until crisp and put on paper towel to drain. Remove pan from heat but keep bacon fat for frying the Chicken later. Take a piece of chicken (lay it the long way)lay one sage leaf at the narrow end with 2 pieces pancetta on top . Take 1/4 of the grated cheese and place on top of the pancetta (I squeeze it in my palm into a rough log shape so it doesn't escape as much during frying). Roll tightly all the way up and secure with a toothpick. Continue with the other four pieces of chicken. Put the frying pan with the bacon grease back over med heat. Dredge all four Chicken rolls in the seasoned flour then add to the pan when hot. Sear the chicken on all sides then place in the heated oven on a baking sheet. Take the white wine and deglaze the pan making sure to get up all the tasty chicken and bacon bits off the surface. Reduce 2/3 then add the chicken stock. Reduce again by 1/2 and squeeze in the 1/2 lemon. Cook sauce until it thickens. Remove the chicken from the oven and return to the frying pan. Toss gently with the sauce then serve over anything ( I chose Swiss chard and teeny potatoes roasted with shallot)... it will taste awesome :)
xoxo
Fast Alice
